Labour snare celebrity backer

(Apologies in advance for the self-indulgent frivolity of this ridiculous post, but I'm not in the mood for anything too serious!)

Following a string of celebrity endorsements for the SNP and Alex Salmond - including one from a politically schizophrenic former MSP - Scottish Labour have been buoyed by support from Queen guitarist and rock legend Brian May, who is backing the party's pledge to ban the use of snares to trap animals.

In response Labour leader Iain Gray expressed his gratitude for Mr May's endorsement, clearly relieved that someone more high-profile than a Glasgow councillor had backed his party. In a highly personal statement, Mr Gray said:

"There's no denying that I've been 'Under Pressure' in recent weeks. I've never wanted to be 'Flash' [Gordon], but to be called 'The Invisible Man' is hurtful, as is the view of the numerous commentators who claim that 'Another One Bites The Dust'. Some critics refuse to 'Play The Game', while the 'Innuendo' is plain cruel.

"As a consequence I've often thought that 'I Want To Break Free', that perhaps 'I'm Going Slightly Mad', and in darker moments I've even asked, 'Who Wants To Live Forever?' "But 'It's A Hard Life', and 'Now I'm Here' it simply has to be said that 'The Show Must Go On'.

"In Brian I've found 'Somebody to Love', and I can only say to him that 'You're My Best Friend'. (Although 'Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy' and 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' would be taking things too far; let's just say that 'Friends Will Be Friends')

"And while it's too early to say that 'We Are The Champions', Brian's endorsement represents a definite 'Breakthru'. I can only say 'Don't Stop Me Now', and to underline that our manifesto will be 'A Kind Of Magic'.

"However, don't expect 'The Miracle' or 'One Vision', because I can't really think of one."

(All song titles from Queen's Greatest Hits and Greatest Hits II, but unfortunately it was not possible to readily incorporate such ditties as 'Bohemiam Rhapsody', 'Seven Seas of Rhye'' and 'Radio Ga Ga'. As for 'Fat Bottomed Girls', let's not go there.)